This subject was on my mind now and I blog what's currently on my heart. Father's Day is coming up, but the topic is on my mind now.
I was watching the Oprah's Lifeclass "Fatherless Son's" and I had to write about father's. Watching grown men cry brought tears to my eyes. I now more than every before understand a man's hurt when it comes to their father. Men feel the pain of not having their father in their lives, yet they don't know how to express it; and that is where part of the anger stems from. I am a single mother of a daughter and son from two different father's and neither one stayed in their child's life.
My son is in an angry stage. He has been for a long time. Sometime's I wonder if it is because I showed him a picture of his father when my son was only 8 years old? I asked him if he wanted to know more about his father and he said "yes". I told him I don't know where his father is, but I have a picture of him and would he like see it. He said "yes", and after he looked at it he said that he didn't care. I do not know from that moment if my son developed feeling of his father not being around. The feeling of anger and hurt. We never discussed it again, and my son is now 16 years old and still has bouts of anger.
Grown men on the Oprah Lifeclass were shedding tears. They said although they are grown they still feel the void. It never went away whether they had their own children now or not. One man said that his teen nephew showed up at his door for Christmas with his clothes and some money. The man said to Iyanla Vanzant and Oprah Winfrey that one day he was sitting down watching a football game with his nephew and they were having a conversation and the man was wondering if he was doing what he was supposed to be doing as a now parent. The man said that he never had his father in his life so he didn't know for sure if the structure and conversation's he was giving was right or wrong. The man questioned himself because he said he didn't have that male figure to learn from. Iyanla and Oprah said that him just being in his nephews life was doing the right thing. The nephew obviously needed a male figure and his uncle stepped in. The man didn't mention if he ever had his own kids but from my view of it he didn't. The teen was 17 years old and almost grown and still needing guidance. So the man was doing right by taking him in and helping him navigate through life or at least give him tools to start. I know for myself that turning 18 isn't the magic number of knowing it all. Being able to step out into the world with the knowledge of a good education; and the knowledge of knowing you were raised with positive structure, guidance, care, and most importantly love is what's important.
I know of a married couple with children. I attended an event and the father had his two little boy's with him. At the event, I observed how he had his toddler in tow and his elementary school son not far behind. This man had to change diaper's, feed his boy's, and keep a close eye on them while attending the event. The mother was at another event with their daughter (teamwork). I said to myself that this is how a father should operate. My kids father's and I broke up when my kid's were babies so I never experienced how a father operates daily. This married couple are close friends of mine, so I see often how he as a father operates with his children and how collectively the couple work together. That is why I am a strong advocate for marriages. Healthy marriages.
My own father operated like that for a while from what I saw in old photos my mother gave to me. My father had me in his arms as a baby and my mother stood next to him in one picture. In another photo I was sitting on my father's lap when I was around five years old; that was also the time when my parent's split up and divorced. For a while after that, my father devoted his time as a single man to me and my sister, but by the time I was eight or nine he met and eventually married again and that devoted father figure stopped doting on me. Back to father's and boy's.
My son's father never saw our son again after we split when my son was six months old. I moved away and he didn't contact us anymore. My son wasn't his only child either which is a problem society faces. Men father children by whomever whether it is one child or 10 children. I take responsibility as being an irresponsible woman and my goal is to encourage young women to wait on marriage to have children.
When one relationship doesn't work out the child in that relationship suffers. The father eventually finds someone else, and that other woman and her own children plus the one they have together are priority. Being a product of a step-family, I was put on the back burner while my step-mothers' daughter became my fathers' main priority because she lived in the home with him. I was on the outside visiting and it caused me a lot of hurt and resentment growing up looking in from the outside of my father's new family.
When I started to met nice men, I saw that they were good father's to their children. They talked about them often, got their weekly visitation and they supported their children. One of my male friend's had custody of his son's. I saw how he was dedicated as well, but he unlike my married couple friends' with kids had to do everything on his own. The mother of his son's were not in the picture at all and that was a lot on him. He did his parenting job well though.
Even when grandfather's are involved in their grandson's lives when the biological father isn't around is a tremendous gift. That is only if the grandfather's bond with their grandson. I was told by an ex-boyfriend how he only saw his father a couple of times. A time when he was young and a time when he was an adult. My ex-boyfriend however was raised by his grandparents on his mothers' side during his high school years. He said although his grandfather was in his life, he only was there in the home but not there interactively. His grandfather didn't show much emotion as his grandmother did.
One man in the audience of Oprah's Lifeclass said that when he had his own children and they were boy's, he said that he wasn't going to disappear from their lives as his own father did. My ex-boyfriend had one son and he and sons' mother were not together for long. He did stay in his sons' life by getting him on weekends and in the summer and attending special events. I met my now ex-boyfriend when his son was 17 going on 18 so I met him after he went through what he called was a hard time. He said it was difficult raising his son when he and the mother hardly spoke, and the mother moved on got married and had more children. It was just a difficult 18 years but he said his son was his number one priority. His son who is now an adult can still call on his father for help when needed. Once you are a parent you will always be a parent to your children if you choose to take on that role and want to be involved for life and not just because you are an adult.
President Obama didn't have his father in his life, but he was raised by loving grandparent's and a devoted grandfather. A father or grandfather has to be emotionally available. They have to be able to tell their son's that they love them. They are the one's who teach their son how to tie a tie. My son is now 16 and hasn't required needing a tie yet. I will be the one I suppose practicing on how to tie a tie although back in the Michael Jackson "Thriller" album days, I wore a leather pink tie like he did and I had a white one. I am telling my age but that was the style long ago and I tied my tie back them.
When I see men with their son's and daughter's by their side walking down the street or sitting at a local park, my heart becomes overjoyed. Why? Because, it really doesn't take much to raise a child. What it takes is love, attention, and affection. Families grow up all the time on "just enough" food, clothes, shelter, etc. What children tend to remember in those "lack of" times is the love of their parent's. The father being in the home like James Evans on "Good Times" working hard raising his three children and supporting a wife on meger ends. Or even the well to do family like the "Cosby Show" Cliff Huxtable, a career man and family man. Either way the father was in the household and the children loved their father being there whether rich or poor. These may be television father's but they do represent both sides of rich and poor family men.
What a father should not do is be overly strict, because a child will eventually find a way to find out what they want to know and do anyhow. Father's should talk to their son's about life, about staying out of trouble, staying off of drugs. Father's should teach their son's the importance of being better than themselves, getting a college degree and master's degree. Study to become an IT Tech, lawyer, doctor, pharmacist, business owner, graphic artist designer, etc. they sky's the limit. Father's should be the example of what it means to be a good husband to their wife; and have a spiritual foundation because the love of God is the tie that binds husband and wife together. Father's should treat all children equally whether they live in the same household or not. If the father has moved on to a new life and a new wife, when the outside child comes to visit, she should get the same love, support, and privileges as the other children do. When the outside child goes home he should receive daily phone calls the same way he talks to the child in the home daily. If the father lives close to the outside child, then he should attend school activities and after-school activities and what ever support that is needed. It may not be typical but when divorced parent's live within blocks from each other for the sake of the children, I commend that effort and sacrifice. Nobody should have to live in an unhappy home but when the parent's split think of the child when moving away. That however didn't work in my case, but it is a thought if workable. Sometimes it is not realistic. Another celebrity family I see doing better than most families after a split is Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Will's older son was treated equally like Will's and Jada's other two children. Jada and Will's ex-wife bonded on behalf of the children. If parent's split up then both sides have to come up with a solution to keep the children feeling loved and wanted.
The child should not be looking out of the window as in the picture above. In the case of this blog, the son should not be looking out of the window waiting to see if his father is coming to get him or visit him. The child should happily hold their fathers' hand like the picture below which in this case looks like a little boy.
And remember that a parent will hopefully one day become a grandparent, and the fatherly support will prayerfully continue!!!
Here are a couple of Bible scripture that reference fatherhood:
Psalms 68:5 (KJV) "A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation."
Job 29:12 (KJV) "Because I delivered the poor that cried, and the fatherless, and him that had none to help him."
Colossians 3:20, 21 (KJV) "Children, obey your parents in all things; for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." 21 "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."
Happy Upcoming Father's Day!!!!
Ms. Dot
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